Power of Photography

Ever wonder what a kid is thinking?  Ask them.  They will usually tell you if you look like you are genuinely listening.
I have been giving my kiddo a camera since she was three years old.  I learn so much about her from her photography.  I learn about what she cares about, or who she cares about. 
The beauty of the pictures is that if you make time she will sit down and tell you a story that goes with each one. 
If you are a parent trying to connect with your child, don't give up....try a camera.

(According to Eden, a four year old at the time, this dear, sweet community of animals were having picture day.  They had just experienced a move and were thankful that no one was left in a box or behind.  They celebrated being a family and having each other.  She claims they vowed to never forget their experience of the biggest change of their lives.)

Sisters

The thunder is crashing and I am in a full sprint to my sister's room.  Not because she is the oldest, she is actually seven years younger, no I am in a panic that only the stubborn, strong sister of mine can cure.  As I slide under the covers I can feel her smooth legs up against mine and her arm come sliding over my back with a small tap.  She never really fully woke up on these nights, but her sleepy, apathetic presence reminded me that it was just thunder, not the end of the world.

I would like to say this illustration was a one time event in my childhood, but it wasn't.  Growing up in Oklahoma thunderstorms could be our state song.
As I hear the thunder now I am reminded of how grateful I am for those moments.  Moments of security.  Being a child of so many divorces, security has always been sacred.  Having a sister provided a lot of stability.

She was there.  Bad hair, awful outfits, tearful temper tantrums, you name it she saw it firsthand and loved me through it anyway.

"Our" Time, Child-Centered Divorce Month

I remember when I was a kid, my dad always resurfaced on the 4th of July.  He loved it. 
I think somewhere in his noggin he decided that the 4th was our holiday, so most of my memories of the 4th include him. 
What a wonderful gift to me.  His consistency of choosing a time that was "our" time was marked with a reoccurring visual every year.
My dad has been gone now for over four years, but still as I see the exploding fireworks the sights and sounds reaffirm the consistent message my dad sent me on the 4th and I hear, "no matter how crazy my life gets, I promise not to forget you especially on our 4th."
This month is Child-Centered Divorce Month.  If you are a parent struggling to find your place in your child's heart after a divorce, consider implementing an "our" time marked by an event that will be around a long time after you have passed on.
I can assure you that as a child I may not have revealed the importance of the 4th to my dad, but as an adult it brings me to tears and is a warm memory of love and affirmation.

the child of divorce

Sometimes I really ponder why I care so much about children of divorce. 
I have been married and enjoying a child that has two parents.  I've been blessed to have the "good life" I dreamed of having when I was a little girl going through some really crazy changes.
But all it takes is one character in a movie, one child's face of hurt to look into, one daycare pick up line with a child not sure about which parent will show up; all it takes is one, the child of divorce.
My empathy commands my obedience and that obedience is listening, feeling and believing that I can do something for the one.
If I am blessed to get to an older age, my prayer is to look back and know that I used every resource I had available to help my peers and that I never forget the one; the child of divorce.

Inspired to Help

When I was asked to come read my picture book to kids at Skelly Elementary two years ago, I had no idea the inspiration that would follow.
I came in as a new author elated to share my experience as a child of divorce and promote becoming a journal writer.
I concluded this year as a nonprofit CEO, professional speaker, and curriculum writer who just completed a program, Change Agent, with a team of highly professional writers.
How did this happen over a two year period?
Well, it started with one of the most determined teachers I have ever met, Mrs. Mills.
She has been teaching for years, actually she has been teaching since I was a little girl, but she hasn't lost the love of teaching...seeing kids equipped for life.
Each time she asked me back to her classroom, she kept prodding me to tell the kids more about myself, tell them about my life, where I have been and where I am trying to go. She essentially pushed for an intimate relationship with her class.
At first, I was hesitant, being a child of divorce, I completely respect guarded. The fifth graders were guarded and so was I.
But as I let my guard down, so did they, until finally we sat comfortably having a conversation about how rough life can get...even at the ripe old age of ten.
As they started to pour out some really tough hardships like:  parents in jail, having to move almost every year and parents fighting to the point of calling the police...I started to ask questions.
Most important one, "What can I do to help?"
Unanimously, they all agreed, "you can get us tools to help us deal with change."
See, what they really feared was not that their lives were going to change a lot from crazy home lives. They already knew that. What they wanted was to be prepared for the next time.
I could relate, at their age I wasn't equipped either.
Ironically enough, I was married to a change specialist, he even wrote his dissertation promoting a new change model. So, I didn't have to go very far to seek a research path to acquire tools for change.
I also had amazing friends in positions to make a difference for children in the area and they had the desire to be part of a brand new nonprofit with a really innovative idea.
As the nonprofit began forming with more momentum, support began to build quickly. A licensed therapist, previous superintendent, professor, lawyer, doctor, are just a few of the titles that made up the growing board members. Even an Executive Director was on board that also had an incredible vision for the organization and technical writing skills.
The momentum began building...
The momentum is still building...
and all because a teacher dared to provoke an inspiration.
Thank you, Mrs. Mills. Blended Love will always support your students and equip them for change!

A 5-to-8-year-old child

5-to-8-yr old children of divorce often think families come with mommies, daddies, doggies, kids. They wonder, "Will daddy get a new mommy? A new doggy? A new little boy?" Are people replaceable? When one parent leaves, they fear the other could leave as well. They know that mom and dad don't control the world, but that leaves them particularly vulnerable. If mom and dad can't hold it together, they wonder, "Who will take care of me?"

The result: misplaced anger, preoccupation with homelife (which makes it difficult to concentrate at school), regression, and physical manifestations of anxiety, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, and hair-pulling.

Parents can help: Let them know that you're in control, that things will get back to normal soon, and mommy & daddy will still be there for them (if that is true). Children need to know that the adults in their lives are competent, caring, and prepared to keep them on track.

Children this age particularly need to see evidence: They worry about the noncustodial parent. Show the child your new apartment or home, and show the child that you are reasonably comfortable. Teach them explicitly that families come in different shapes and sizes, because they are so young that they really don't know unless you tell them.

They also need your guidance and permission to focus on being a kid. Let your child know that his job is to study, socialize, and play...and that the adults will take care of things at home, so they don't have to worry about it. With your permission, your child will happily focus on being a kid.

Sources: (1) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski; (2) What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein; (3) Developmental Psychology (with InfoTrac) : Childhood and Adolescence, by David R. Shaffer.

Statements that put Kids in the Middle

These are recorded responses from parents....not realizing they are putting kids in the middle of their bitterness.

"You want to go on vacation with your father, after all he's done to us? Fine. Leave me here alone."
"I know how boring it can be at your mother's. Now that you're here, let's have some fun."
"Ask your father when he's sending the check. Tell him he's not going to see you till he does."
"If you want me to come to your recital, better not invite your mother. If she goes, I don't."
"Your father let you see that movie? What's that man thinking?"
"Let's talk to your mom about your spending more time with me. That's what you want, too, isn't it?

These were taken from American Girl: a smart girl's guide to her parents' divorce