Blended Love Newsletter

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Book Review by Lia Constanda

Tis' the season to invest in books for children of divorce!

Book:  The Day My Mother Left  (yes, a divorce fiction book for young teens)

by James Prosek

The writer has published several books for children, focusing primarily on his passion for fishing and nature. James Prosek is also a painter and the above book incorporates in the main character’s traits the writer’s major interests namely, painting, drawing and fishing. The book is ecologically instructive and awakens an interest in nature and what it can offer a child with strong emotional needs caused by his parents’ divorce.

It is a deeply felt story of young boy called Jeremy who at the age of 9 had to cope with abandonment by his mother, his father’s depression, his older sister distancing herself from the remaining family unit, lack of contact with his mother for 3 years, the discovery that mother is emotionally unstable, and the death of a much loved uncle with whom he had a strong bond.

Jeremy suffered enormously when his mother left the family for another man. He dreamt about her at night and thought about her constantly. Little things reminded him of her:”It was June, and the daffodils I’d helped my mom plant last fall were flowering. Was she planning to stay to see them flower? Songs she used to sing came into my head. I could hear her voice singing as if she were in the room with me.” The mother took with her his work, the “Book of birds”, his most treasured possession. He wandered how she could take his work and abandon him?! He threw himself into re-creating the “Book of birds”, his collection of drawings.

His emotional journey is heart wrenching. His healing is significantly aided by his love for nature, drawing and painting. The support from friends and extended family is invaluable.

The father also suffered a great deal of pain when the mother left. The father/son relationship is strained due to the damage the mother’s abandonment caused to both of them.  This reality is an important dimension to the story.

Jeremy’s life moves on. Father has remarried. Jeremy has new interests. He is more settled. Things are calm. Then, out of the blue, after 3 years, he sees his mother at the school playing fields holding by hand a young girl. She seems not to recognize him.

Eventually, the mother contacts Jeremy by telephone. He learns that the mother lived nearby all these years and that she could have kept in touch with him if she wanted to. He remonstrates with her but she has no credible explanation for her failure to keep in contact. Later, the mother attempts suicide because she is concerned that the man for whom she left her family may be on the point of leaving her. She becomes a liability. She is diagnosed borderline personality. She turns to Jeremy and his sister for love and support. He is only 12!

In the end Jeremy is reconciled about his mother. After discovering that she is unstable, he describes his relationship with her as “standing on two distant mountains with a bottomless canyon between us…. There was no way of crossing the canyon, but at times the clouds cleared…”

The book makes for lovely reading. It is a story of hope and resilience and how a boy can navigate through difficulties by remembering what is good in life. It addresses many important issues in relation to children of divorced parents and it is a useful tool for any child in similar circumstances. It is also good reading for the parents.

Evil in Our Midst

This past week I read a book by Sharon Doty titled Evil in Our Midst.  As a sexual abuse survivor I assumed I was fully equipped through experience to protect my own child from sexual predators, boy was I wrong.
Sharon points out our approach as a society addressing the prevention of sexual abuse is really not prevention at all.  The current trend places a great amount of pressure on children to be responsible for the verbal and non-verbal actions to stop an abuser. But after numerous interviews with abusers and countless hours of research, she has found that educated adults can have the tools necessary to prevent children from even being given this burden.
Yes, Sharon, identifies the culture and means by which an abuser takes liberties to abuse.
Her approach to educated us, the parents and community, to recognize potential predators and recognize our part in creating an environment conducive to abuse is a light amidst a very dark and dangerous culture.
I would strongly recommend this book to anyone interested in being part of a global solution to ending sexual abuse for our children.
Thank you, Sharon, for the enlightenment.

Chili On the Square

If you are in Tulsa, OK this Friday...

Speak

 “Women have sat indoors all these millions of years, so that by this time, the very walls are permeated by their creative force, which has, indeed so overcharged the capacity of bricks and mortar that it must needs harness itself to pens and brushes

and business and politics.”

The young, silent girl sat in her yellow walled bedroom.  The ruffled valance coordinating with the dust ruffle and matching pillow shams, so beautifully dainty is her appearance.  An onlooker would assume the smile on her face would reflect a perfect middle-class life where struggles and angst are a million thoughts away.

As she gazes out her window to the immediate front yard, neighborhood kids ride their bikes, and tree trimmers creating a more manicured perfection, her thoughts are far from this shallow world.

She meditates on her inner voice.  Her voice that speaks loudly with passion and conviction, the words of reality, what is and can be.  She no longer is tricked by her beautiful cage representing America’s middle-class family.

Her world is a lie. 

What penetrates the walls? Truth penetrates all walls.

The truth is she has fought for safety since she can remember. 

As she now sits on her bed, the truth is she is on her third dad, has already been molested by at least two different men, held down and forced to watch pornography and has hidden under a mattress in a crack house to protect her own life.

She is unimpressed with the American dream and the men who proclaim it.

Her heart and experiences create a resiliency that can only be found through surviving. 

Each breath that she takes she dreams.  She dreams of shattering her world and reconciling her experiences.  She dreams of forgiveness and understanding.  She dreams of peace and wrapping it to give away to her friends.  She knows she is not alone.  She knows she has been given a mission, a mission that can only be fulfilled through the pain she has endured.

Unconstrained passion flows through her veins.  She knows she is an enigma. 

Her pencil lead breaks on the pages of her journal as she fervently writes her creative perception of her life’s events and their meaning. 

Unmoved by the childhood of others outside her window, she is an old soul clothed in the likeness of others, but incredibly different.

In today’s world she would be considered a global thinker, or a maverick, but in her world she is destined to speak for herself and others, fearlessly.

Millions of years of silence for being born a female have passed and it is up to us who have experienced the adversity of our female race to rise up and speak for ourselves and our little girls.

Painted walls and beautiful things cannot silence our message.  We are capable of inspiring, thriving, and changing a national perception, we are women.  Our beauty defined by strength, our strength defined by goodness.  We are American women.

Revelation to Action

"There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children."
Nelson Mandela

What does America value?  More concrete - what do you value?
Do we recognize the human experience called, "childhood" and deem it a valuable foundation to a life well-lived or do we simply excuse it and claim we have all been naive once?
My hope is the first thought, but our times are revealing a much more dismal view of today's child.
Please, I urge you, consider stepping back and assessing the care and concern for children in our society today and the value, you, personally would place on children being equipped to handle adversity and change.  Give it a dollar amount.  How much is it worth?
Now, ask yourself if, you, personally have contributed toward any organization in the past year that is dedicated to helping human beings in their greatest hour of need, their childhood.
Please consider it.

This Little Light of Mine

The day had been crazy.  Sasha, Blended Love's Executive Director, and I had been whisked abruptly into Fox 25's interview studio for our 8:20 a.m. interview around 8:17 a.m. or so.  Being out-of-towners to the area we had to rely solely on a GPS that spoke French.  As he demanded who knows what the arrows were hard to figure out and that resulted in a lot of unnecessary turns on the Oklahoma City expressways.  Exiting on Scott Street became a crowd favorite!
After the interview we had an appointment with Bethel Foundation in Oklahoma City.  Sasha had set up the meeting because she has been involved with some of their fundraisers and believed that I would enjoy learning more about their mission of providing opportunities and tangibles to single mothers.  In theory, great idea - but what I didn't expect....
I walked into this darling house with a gorgeous sign alerting moms that this could be their haven.  The beautiful scriptures that were so gracefully drawn on the wall were arrows to the heart of a path that leads to peace, a common emotion we all want, a common denominator to all who enter.  That peace was magnified as I turned to meet, Lynda, the humble servant who answered God's request to help His children - single moms.  Her inspirational, blue eyes echoed the same peace felt all over this home, except in her eyes this feeling was strongly coupled with determination.
As she spoke of her journey, my empathetic heart began to go down her road of suffering and understanding and yet all overshadowed by HOPE.  This hope has been the ingredient to all their programs.  The hope is as tangible as the "birthday room," a room designed for moms to come in and pick out toys for their children on their birthday and wrap them and leave with a birthday cake.  Hope...providing moms with the ability to make their child's birthday special.  Hope that these same children who receive birthday wishes will in return have a better life for their own children, a life where they can provide these special birthday moments.  Hope also in understanding that moms need hope not only for their children, but for themselves.
Bethel provides scholarships to driven moms looking for careers that require a degree.  Lynda quickly lights up as she speaks about their poster mom who has worked tirelessly to obtain her Masters degree.
Touring this incredible facility that even housed a free store to moms who have need of food, clothing, toys, diapers, etc. strengthened my core belief that we all have a light to shine and some have figured out the One who lights the flame and are allowing their light to shine so brightly that not even the jaded world of experience can blow it out.
Lynda, may your light shine so brightly no one can deny the illuminating beauty!

Power of Photography

Ever wonder what a kid is thinking?  Ask them.  They will usually tell you if you look like you are genuinely listening.
I have been giving my kiddo a camera since she was three years old.  I learn so much about her from her photography.  I learn about what she cares about, or who she cares about. 
The beauty of the pictures is that if you make time she will sit down and tell you a story that goes with each one. 
If you are a parent trying to connect with your child, don't give up....try a camera.

(According to Eden, a four year old at the time, this dear, sweet community of animals were having picture day.  They had just experienced a move and were thankful that no one was left in a box or behind.  They celebrated being a family and having each other.  She claims they vowed to never forget their experience of the biggest change of their lives.)

Sisters

The thunder is crashing and I am in a full sprint to my sister's room.  Not because she is the oldest, she is actually seven years younger, no I am in a panic that only the stubborn, strong sister of mine can cure.  As I slide under the covers I can feel her smooth legs up against mine and her arm come sliding over my back with a small tap.  She never really fully woke up on these nights, but her sleepy, apathetic presence reminded me that it was just thunder, not the end of the world.

I would like to say this illustration was a one time event in my childhood, but it wasn't.  Growing up in Oklahoma thunderstorms could be our state song.
As I hear the thunder now I am reminded of how grateful I am for those moments.  Moments of security.  Being a child of so many divorces, security has always been sacred.  Having a sister provided a lot of stability.

She was there.  Bad hair, awful outfits, tearful temper tantrums, you name it she saw it firsthand and loved me through it anyway.

"Our" Time, Child-Centered Divorce Month

I remember when I was a kid, my dad always resurfaced on the 4th of July.  He loved it. 
I think somewhere in his noggin he decided that the 4th was our holiday, so most of my memories of the 4th include him. 
What a wonderful gift to me.  His consistency of choosing a time that was "our" time was marked with a reoccurring visual every year.
My dad has been gone now for over four years, but still as I see the exploding fireworks the sights and sounds reaffirm the consistent message my dad sent me on the 4th and I hear, "no matter how crazy my life gets, I promise not to forget you especially on our 4th."
This month is Child-Centered Divorce Month.  If you are a parent struggling to find your place in your child's heart after a divorce, consider implementing an "our" time marked by an event that will be around a long time after you have passed on.
I can assure you that as a child I may not have revealed the importance of the 4th to my dad, but as an adult it brings me to tears and is a warm memory of love and affirmation.

the child of divorce

Sometimes I really ponder why I care so much about children of divorce. 
I have been married and enjoying a child that has two parents.  I've been blessed to have the "good life" I dreamed of having when I was a little girl going through some really crazy changes.
But all it takes is one character in a movie, one child's face of hurt to look into, one daycare pick up line with a child not sure about which parent will show up; all it takes is one, the child of divorce.
My empathy commands my obedience and that obedience is listening, feeling and believing that I can do something for the one.
If I am blessed to get to an older age, my prayer is to look back and know that I used every resource I had available to help my peers and that I never forget the one; the child of divorce.

Inspired to Help

When I was asked to come read my picture book to kids at Skelly Elementary two years ago, I had no idea the inspiration that would follow.
I came in as a new author elated to share my experience as a child of divorce and promote becoming a journal writer.
I concluded this year as a nonprofit CEO, professional speaker, and curriculum writer who just completed a program, Change Agent, with a team of highly professional writers.
How did this happen over a two year period?
Well, it started with one of the most determined teachers I have ever met, Mrs. Mills.
She has been teaching for years, actually she has been teaching since I was a little girl, but she hasn't lost the love of teaching...seeing kids equipped for life.
Each time she asked me back to her classroom, she kept prodding me to tell the kids more about myself, tell them about my life, where I have been and where I am trying to go. She essentially pushed for an intimate relationship with her class.
At first, I was hesitant, being a child of divorce, I completely respect guarded. The fifth graders were guarded and so was I.
But as I let my guard down, so did they, until finally we sat comfortably having a conversation about how rough life can get...even at the ripe old age of ten.
As they started to pour out some really tough hardships like:  parents in jail, having to move almost every year and parents fighting to the point of calling the police...I started to ask questions.
Most important one, "What can I do to help?"
Unanimously, they all agreed, "you can get us tools to help us deal with change."
See, what they really feared was not that their lives were going to change a lot from crazy home lives. They already knew that. What they wanted was to be prepared for the next time.
I could relate, at their age I wasn't equipped either.
Ironically enough, I was married to a change specialist, he even wrote his dissertation promoting a new change model. So, I didn't have to go very far to seek a research path to acquire tools for change.
I also had amazing friends in positions to make a difference for children in the area and they had the desire to be part of a brand new nonprofit with a really innovative idea.
As the nonprofit began forming with more momentum, support began to build quickly. A licensed therapist, previous superintendent, professor, lawyer, doctor, are just a few of the titles that made up the growing board members. Even an Executive Director was on board that also had an incredible vision for the organization and technical writing skills.
The momentum began building...
The momentum is still building...
and all because a teacher dared to provoke an inspiration.
Thank you, Mrs. Mills. Blended Love will always support your students and equip them for change!

A 5-to-8-year-old child

5-to-8-yr old children of divorce often think families come with mommies, daddies, doggies, kids. They wonder, "Will daddy get a new mommy? A new doggy? A new little boy?" Are people replaceable? When one parent leaves, they fear the other could leave as well. They know that mom and dad don't control the world, but that leaves them particularly vulnerable. If mom and dad can't hold it together, they wonder, "Who will take care of me?"

The result: misplaced anger, preoccupation with homelife (which makes it difficult to concentrate at school), regression, and physical manifestations of anxiety, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, and hair-pulling.

Parents can help: Let them know that you're in control, that things will get back to normal soon, and mommy & daddy will still be there for them (if that is true). Children need to know that the adults in their lives are competent, caring, and prepared to keep them on track.

Children this age particularly need to see evidence: They worry about the noncustodial parent. Show the child your new apartment or home, and show the child that you are reasonably comfortable. Teach them explicitly that families come in different shapes and sizes, because they are so young that they really don't know unless you tell them.

They also need your guidance and permission to focus on being a kid. Let your child know that his job is to study, socialize, and play...and that the adults will take care of things at home, so they don't have to worry about it. With your permission, your child will happily focus on being a kid.

Sources: (1) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski; (2) What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein; (3) Developmental Psychology (with InfoTrac) : Childhood and Adolescence, by David R. Shaffer.

Statements that put Kids in the Middle

These are recorded responses from parents....not realizing they are putting kids in the middle of their bitterness.

"You want to go on vacation with your father, after all he's done to us? Fine. Leave me here alone."
"I know how boring it can be at your mother's. Now that you're here, let's have some fun."
"Ask your father when he's sending the check. Tell him he's not going to see you till he does."
"If you want me to come to your recital, better not invite your mother. If she goes, I don't."
"Your father let you see that movie? What's that man thinking?"
"Let's talk to your mom about your spending more time with me. That's what you want, too, isn't it?

These were taken from American Girl: a smart girl's guide to her parents' divorce

Broken Chocolate Hearts

Traditionally when we think of Valentine’s Day, we visualize love all around – especially in our schools. Can we ever forget all the boxes we decorated to hold our special treasures and kind words from our peers?

Several years after my parents divorced, a boy sweetly put chocolate hearts in my chair when I was in elementary school. Being oblivious to the gift, I sat down and broke every single one of them. I stood stunned. I stared at the perfect illustration of my sad heart, so frail and broken.

My parents divorced, my chocolate hearts broken.

I held back the tears that day not wanting my classmates to laugh at my over-reaction to such an insignificant event.

Quietly, broken piece by broken piece, I scooped them up in my hand and put them in my lunchbox hoping no one dare ask me what had happened to my hearts.

Mrs. Hayes, my fourth grade teacher, seemed to know that I needed a hug as she gave me a big squeeze as I trailed behind all of my friends out to the playground for recess. That small gesture was a bright spot in my broken-heart day.

Oklahoma divorce rates rank fourth-highest in the nation. As Tulsa County divorce rates are seen near the top of Oklahoma divorce rates, we know that broken hearts live among us. Classrooms are filled with teachers trying to manage and care for children who feel unorganized, unlovable and disillusioned.

Let’s remember to send special Valentine messages to our children’s teachers this year. Teachers are the heroes who bring love to children by taking a blended classroom and creating blended love.

Let’s also push for curriculum in our schools to help all of these broken hearts to mend. Teachers need support as they help patch together children who are hurting, angry and heart-broken. Organizing a child who lives in two places can be an incredible challenge, not to mention the attention to details that can be missed. Our teachers need tools to equip them to handle schedules, behaviors and risk-factors.

Teachers are the hug that starts the day and the consistency that keeps a child feeling secure through predictability. Lesson plans have merged with life lessons, and our teachers continue to step up to the challenge.

Thank you, Mrs. Hayes. Your dedication to making your students feel loved has left this adult child of divorce with a heart message that reads, “I am lovable and capable.”

Where is daddy?

"My daddy went to Oakland," wailed six-year-old Roger. "Where is Oakland?" he asked me, not knowing it was close by. "Is Oakland in Mexico?" Since at age six or seven children have no concept of geography, space, and distance, their thinking is bounded by the neighborhood they know. But their sorrow has no bounds.

Excerpt from What About The Kids? by Judith Wallerstein.

Underwater

Poem written by a young girl of divorce and abuse.
Children of divorce are 50% more likely to be abused than children with two parent homes.

Underwater

darkness falls again tonight
the wakes come crashing down
does anyone know my world in this town

i long to see the sunlight
the calmness I pray to see
all I ever wanted was to believe

talking underwater
drowning to get it out
my whispers, my muted shouts

i rise above the white-caps
trying to get to the other side
i am talking underwater

holding on to the seas hard rock
beating me black and blue
does anyone know what i am going through

i wait and ride the storm
the stillness smooth as glass
damages, miles of floating trash

i'll let go, but never forget
the deep, cold water far below
my whispers, muted shouts

talking underwater