A Heart with Two Homes

A Heart with Two Homes by Monica Epperson

Reviewed by Lia Constanda

The writer of “A Heart with Two Homes”, Monica Epperson is the CEO and co-founder of the organization “The child of divorce, Inc” (formerly known as “Blended Love, Inc.”) along with her husband Dr. Brian Epperson. They are both educators.

Published in 2008, “A Heart with Two Homes” generated a lot of discussion amongst professionals working with children who acknowledged the need for resources for the growing numbers of children of divorce. Responding to this Monica founded “The child of divorce, Inc”, a nonprofit making organization, which she funded   from donating the royalties from her book.  Helping children of divorce is the mission of the organization. “A Heart with Two Homes” is its first work that later led to forming a committee charged with writing research based curriculum for students and teachers.

The book is about a little girl called Elizabeth, whose parents divorced when she was 8 yrs old. She continued to live with mom and had regular visits with dad. In both environments she assumed a different persona. When with mom, she was a little girl, enjoyed dancing and did girly things, to please mom. When with dad, she was a little tomboy, played sports and did boyish things, to please dad. As time went on she found it difficult to define her true self.  She was confused: was she Lizzie, as mom called her, or was she Beth, as dad called her.

Eventually Elizabeth discovers with the help of a school guest speaker the benefit of writing therapy and later the benefit of sharing and talking openly about her feelings to friends and family. These processes help her confront her parents about their lack of communication as far as she was concerned. The book ends on a positive note, as the parents through their actions acknowledge their mistakes thus helping Elizabeth to find her true identity as a whole person and not as the two halves of one.

The book identifies some of the problems created by parents in divorce cases, such as a child’s emotional turmoil, confusion, insecurity, isolation, lack of trust, unresolved conflict, to name but some. 

The book also offers options for the children of divorce on addressing their concerns about their feelings. The idea of a private Journal, where they could confide their most inner thoughts and feelings is eminently suited to those situations.  It is a well known fact that one of the merits of writing is to help clarify thoughts. As the famous French writer Gustave Flaubert once said:"The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe." The idea of using a journal helped the little girl in this case to cope positively with change once she identified her true concerns and discovered what she really believed about herself.

Book Review by Lia Constanda, "Smart Moves"

“Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All In Your Head”, by Carla Hannaford, Ph.D.

  Reviewed by Lia Constanda

The book was originally written in 1995 by neurophysiologist and educator Carla Hannaford. The second edition was published in 2005.The book is significant to the understanding of child development and education. The writer makes it clear that learning is not all in our heads and that we need to learn to use the connections between body and mind in order to maximize learning.

The writer addresses the relationship between sensory experience, sensory learning, emotions and cognitive development. She stresses that physical movement and emotional safety from early infancy are crucial for the development of nerve cell networks, which are fundamental to the process of learning.

She explains that senses and emotions play a key part in the process of learning even before we leave the womb; that sounds and music are important even before birth; that early childhood milestones such as“crawling” are building blocks in the child’s capacity to learn, as this stimulates the 2 hemispheres of the brain, resulting in a heightened cognitive function and thus increased learning. She stresses the importance of play in the development of imagination and how in the later years this becomes the essence of creativity and high-level reasoning. The book emphasizes the importance of movement to learning and development of mental capacities. Movement and play profoundly improve not only learning but also help people to deal with stress and improve creativity and health.

Dr. Hannaford explores why and how integrative movements like Brain Gym, Tai Chi, yoga, singing, dancing, playing a musical instrument, and even rough and tumble play enhance the capacity for learning in everybody. She backs up the benefit of the Brain Gym with examples from her professional experience in that some children who sustained brain damage from childhood abuse, and, others who were either emotionally handicapped or mentally retarded were able to make remarkable progress in their academic work, due to play and movement.

Dr. Hannaford examines closely the connection between body and mind and the essential link between movement, senses and emotion for the benefit of effective learning.

She stresses the importance of teaching students in a way that goes in line with their natural body development and progression of skills. For example, she advocates postponing the emphasis on silent reading until a child’s inner voice is develops which is around the age of 7.

She identifies stressors that impact on learning such as medical reasons and technological ones. For example the overuse of TV, computers and computer games erode creativity and impair the child’s ability of developing a rich vocabulary. She also feels that digitized sources of sound from TV, computers and computer games are not helpful to the child and that benefit comes from the interaction with natural sounds and the human voice, as these expose a child to the full range of harmony.

All in all much of what she recommends is common sense. In conclusion she states that it is the activation and balance between the body and mind that allow us to become effective and productive thinkers. In other words she advocates that the body/mind interaction stimulate a healthy mind in a healthy body.

“ Mens sana in a corpore sano.”

The Day My Mother Left

Reading material for children of divorced parents

“The day my mother left” by James Prosek

Reviewed by Lia Constanda

The writer has published several books for children, focusing primarily on his passion for fishing and nature. James Prosek is also a painter and the above book incorporates in the main character’s traits the writer’s major interests namely, painting, drawing and fishing. The book is ecologically instructive and awakens an interest in nature and what it can offer a child with strong emotional needs caused by his parents’ divorce.

It is a deeply felt story of young boy called Jeremy who at the age of 9 had to cope with abandonment by his mother, his father’s depression, his older sister distancing herself from the remaining family unit, lack of contact with his mother for 3 years, the discovery that mother is emotionally unstable, and the death of a much loved uncle with whom he had a strong bond.

Jeremy suffered enormously when his mother left the family for another man. He dreamt about her at night and thought about her constantly. Little things reminded him of her:”It was June, and the daffodils I’d helped my mom plant last fall were flowering. Was she planning to stay to see them flower? Songs she used to sing came into my head. I could hear her voice singing as if she were in the room with me.” The mother took with her his work, the “Book of birds”, his most treasured possession. He wandered how she could take his work and abandon him?! He threw himself into re-creating the “Book of birds”, his collection of drawings.

His emotional journey is heart wrenching. His healing is significantly aided by his love for nature, drawing and painting. The support from friends and extended family is invaluable.

The father also suffered a great deal of pain when the mother left. The father/son relationship and the damage the mother’s abandonment caused to both is another important dimension of the story.

Jeremy’s life moves on. Father has remarried. Jeremy has new interests. He is more settled. Things are calm. Then, out of the blue, after 3 years, he sees his mother at the school playing fields holding by hand a young girl. She seems not to recognize him.

Eventually, the mother contacts Jeremy by telephone. He learns that the mother lived nearby all these years and that she could have kept in touch with him if she wanted to. He remonstrates with her but she has no credible explanation for her failure to keep in contact. Later, the mother attempts suicide because she is concerned that the man for whom she left her family may be on the point of leaving her. She becomes a liability. She is diagnosed borderline personality. She turns to Jeremy and his sister for love and support. He is only 12!

In the end Jeremy is reconciled about his mother. After discovering that she is unstable, he describes his relationship with her as “standing on two distant mountains with a bottomless canyon between us…. There was no way of crossing the canyon, but at times the clouds cleared…”

The book makes lovely reading. It is a story of hope and resilience and how a boy can navigate through difficulties by remembering what is good in life. It addresses many important issues in relation to children of divorced parents and it is a useful tool for any child in similar circumstances. It is also good reading for the parents.

Book Review by Lia Constanda

“It’s not the end of the world”

 by Judy Blume

 Reviewed by Lia Constanda

Judy Blume, the writer, has written many successful books for different age groups. Her books identify the concerns of young children and teenagers in relation to a variety of issues, such as Religion, Coming of age, Overweight, Physical disability, Siblings, Racial prejudice, Divorce, Death & Alcoholism and other related matters. She deals with these topics in a sensitive and empathetic manner. She has been commended for her honesty, warmth and wit, her keen observations of childhood and her books’ appeal to the children.

Her style is pleasant and easily readable. Some reviewers consider that the problems of her characters are sometimes left unresolved; others think that it is to her credit that some problems are left for the reader to solve.

The book “Is not the end of the world” provides light reading and is most enjoyable. It has an optimistic tone and is appropriate for any young child and teenager. At the same time deals with the range of concerns of 3 children from a family, whose parents are in process of starting a divorce.

The central character, Karen Newman, a twelve year old girl, can’t believe it when the father moves out of the family home following repeated and frequent arguments with the mother. Initially, the arguments appear to be over trivial matters.  The bottom line is however that the parents no longer like each other and the only way to resolve their differences is to go their separate ways. Karen is the middle of the 3 children but she is the most mature and very quickly assumes a responsible role. She deals with the upset caused to her younger sister by the parents’ separation and with the trying teenage behavior of her older brother.

The mother returns to school to complete her education. In a way, the divorce liberates her. She learns how to stand on her own feet, trust her abilities and value herself.

The book focuses on the children’s concerns about not having both parents under the same roof, about financial issues such as will they be able to continue living in the same home with their father gone, will their mother be able to provide for them, how will the other children at school react when they will find out, and most importantly will they be able to bring their parents back together. Karen is trying to bring the parents to talk to each other face to face. She thinks of a plan which in the end does not work. The parents refuse to consider any prospect of reconciliation.

When all is said and done, the children accept the situation and move on with their life. They adapt themselves to their new circumstances and accept that their parents divorce is final but that really that “is not the end of the world”.

Blended Love Newsletter

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/News-from-Blended-Love.html?soid=1103636417256&aid=lHt8SuDeDt0

Book Review by Lia Constanda

Tis' the season to invest in books for children of divorce!

Book:  The Day My Mother Left  (yes, a divorce fiction book for young teens)

by James Prosek

The writer has published several books for children, focusing primarily on his passion for fishing and nature. James Prosek is also a painter and the above book incorporates in the main character’s traits the writer’s major interests namely, painting, drawing and fishing. The book is ecologically instructive and awakens an interest in nature and what it can offer a child with strong emotional needs caused by his parents’ divorce.

It is a deeply felt story of young boy called Jeremy who at the age of 9 had to cope with abandonment by his mother, his father’s depression, his older sister distancing herself from the remaining family unit, lack of contact with his mother for 3 years, the discovery that mother is emotionally unstable, and the death of a much loved uncle with whom he had a strong bond.

Jeremy suffered enormously when his mother left the family for another man. He dreamt about her at night and thought about her constantly. Little things reminded him of her:”It was June, and the daffodils I’d helped my mom plant last fall were flowering. Was she planning to stay to see them flower? Songs she used to sing came into my head. I could hear her voice singing as if she were in the room with me.” The mother took with her his work, the “Book of birds”, his most treasured possession. He wandered how she could take his work and abandon him?! He threw himself into re-creating the “Book of birds”, his collection of drawings.

His emotional journey is heart wrenching. His healing is significantly aided by his love for nature, drawing and painting. The support from friends and extended family is invaluable.

The father also suffered a great deal of pain when the mother left. The father/son relationship is strained due to the damage the mother’s abandonment caused to both of them.  This reality is an important dimension to the story.

Jeremy’s life moves on. Father has remarried. Jeremy has new interests. He is more settled. Things are calm. Then, out of the blue, after 3 years, he sees his mother at the school playing fields holding by hand a young girl. She seems not to recognize him.

Eventually, the mother contacts Jeremy by telephone. He learns that the mother lived nearby all these years and that she could have kept in touch with him if she wanted to. He remonstrates with her but she has no credible explanation for her failure to keep in contact. Later, the mother attempts suicide because she is concerned that the man for whom she left her family may be on the point of leaving her. She becomes a liability. She is diagnosed borderline personality. She turns to Jeremy and his sister for love and support. He is only 12!

In the end Jeremy is reconciled about his mother. After discovering that she is unstable, he describes his relationship with her as “standing on two distant mountains with a bottomless canyon between us…. There was no way of crossing the canyon, but at times the clouds cleared…”

The book makes for lovely reading. It is a story of hope and resilience and how a boy can navigate through difficulties by remembering what is good in life. It addresses many important issues in relation to children of divorced parents and it is a useful tool for any child in similar circumstances. It is also good reading for the parents.

Evil in Our Midst

This past week I read a book by Sharon Doty titled Evil in Our Midst.  As a sexual abuse survivor I assumed I was fully equipped through experience to protect my own child from sexual predators, boy was I wrong.
Sharon points out our approach as a society addressing the prevention of sexual abuse is really not prevention at all.  The current trend places a great amount of pressure on children to be responsible for the verbal and non-verbal actions to stop an abuser. But after numerous interviews with abusers and countless hours of research, she has found that educated adults can have the tools necessary to prevent children from even being given this burden.
Yes, Sharon, identifies the culture and means by which an abuser takes liberties to abuse.
Her approach to educated us, the parents and community, to recognize potential predators and recognize our part in creating an environment conducive to abuse is a light amidst a very dark and dangerous culture.
I would strongly recommend this book to anyone interested in being part of a global solution to ending sexual abuse for our children.
Thank you, Sharon, for the enlightenment.