the child of divorce

Sometimes I really ponder why I care so much about children of divorce. 
I have been married and enjoying a child that has two parents.  I've been blessed to have the "good life" I dreamed of having when I was a little girl going through some really crazy changes.
But all it takes is one character in a movie, one child's face of hurt to look into, one daycare pick up line with a child not sure about which parent will show up; all it takes is one, the child of divorce.
My empathy commands my obedience and that obedience is listening, feeling and believing that I can do something for the one.
If I am blessed to get to an older age, my prayer is to look back and know that I used every resource I had available to help my peers and that I never forget the one; the child of divorce.

Inspired to Help

When I was asked to come read my picture book to kids at Skelly Elementary two years ago, I had no idea the inspiration that would follow.
I came in as a new author elated to share my experience as a child of divorce and promote becoming a journal writer.
I concluded this year as a nonprofit CEO, professional speaker, and curriculum writer who just completed a program, Change Agent, with a team of highly professional writers.
How did this happen over a two year period?
Well, it started with one of the most determined teachers I have ever met, Mrs. Mills.
She has been teaching for years, actually she has been teaching since I was a little girl, but she hasn't lost the love of teaching...seeing kids equipped for life.
Each time she asked me back to her classroom, she kept prodding me to tell the kids more about myself, tell them about my life, where I have been and where I am trying to go. She essentially pushed for an intimate relationship with her class.
At first, I was hesitant, being a child of divorce, I completely respect guarded. The fifth graders were guarded and so was I.
But as I let my guard down, so did they, until finally we sat comfortably having a conversation about how rough life can get...even at the ripe old age of ten.
As they started to pour out some really tough hardships like:  parents in jail, having to move almost every year and parents fighting to the point of calling the police...I started to ask questions.
Most important one, "What can I do to help?"
Unanimously, they all agreed, "you can get us tools to help us deal with change."
See, what they really feared was not that their lives were going to change a lot from crazy home lives. They already knew that. What they wanted was to be prepared for the next time.
I could relate, at their age I wasn't equipped either.
Ironically enough, I was married to a change specialist, he even wrote his dissertation promoting a new change model. So, I didn't have to go very far to seek a research path to acquire tools for change.
I also had amazing friends in positions to make a difference for children in the area and they had the desire to be part of a brand new nonprofit with a really innovative idea.
As the nonprofit began forming with more momentum, support began to build quickly. A licensed therapist, previous superintendent, professor, lawyer, doctor, are just a few of the titles that made up the growing board members. Even an Executive Director was on board that also had an incredible vision for the organization and technical writing skills.
The momentum began building...
The momentum is still building...
and all because a teacher dared to provoke an inspiration.
Thank you, Mrs. Mills. Blended Love will always support your students and equip them for change!

A 5-to-8-year-old child

5-to-8-yr old children of divorce often think families come with mommies, daddies, doggies, kids. They wonder, "Will daddy get a new mommy? A new doggy? A new little boy?" Are people replaceable? When one parent leaves, they fear the other could leave as well. They know that mom and dad don't control the world, but that leaves them particularly vulnerable. If mom and dad can't hold it together, they wonder, "Who will take care of me?"

The result: misplaced anger, preoccupation with homelife (which makes it difficult to concentrate at school), regression, and physical manifestations of anxiety, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, and hair-pulling.

Parents can help: Let them know that you're in control, that things will get back to normal soon, and mommy & daddy will still be there for them (if that is true). Children need to know that the adults in their lives are competent, caring, and prepared to keep them on track.

Children this age particularly need to see evidence: They worry about the noncustodial parent. Show the child your new apartment or home, and show the child that you are reasonably comfortable. Teach them explicitly that families come in different shapes and sizes, because they are so young that they really don't know unless you tell them.

They also need your guidance and permission to focus on being a kid. Let your child know that his job is to study, socialize, and play...and that the adults will take care of things at home, so they don't have to worry about it. With your permission, your child will happily focus on being a kid.

Sources: (1) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski; (2) What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein; (3) Developmental Psychology (with InfoTrac) : Childhood and Adolescence, by David R. Shaffer.

Statements that put Kids in the Middle

These are recorded responses from parents....not realizing they are putting kids in the middle of their bitterness.

"You want to go on vacation with your father, after all he's done to us? Fine. Leave me here alone."
"I know how boring it can be at your mother's. Now that you're here, let's have some fun."
"Ask your father when he's sending the check. Tell him he's not going to see you till he does."
"If you want me to come to your recital, better not invite your mother. If she goes, I don't."
"Your father let you see that movie? What's that man thinking?"
"Let's talk to your mom about your spending more time with me. That's what you want, too, isn't it?

These were taken from American Girl: a smart girl's guide to her parents' divorce

Broken Chocolate Hearts

Traditionally when we think of Valentine’s Day, we visualize love all around – especially in our schools. Can we ever forget all the boxes we decorated to hold our special treasures and kind words from our peers?

Several years after my parents divorced, a boy sweetly put chocolate hearts in my chair when I was in elementary school. Being oblivious to the gift, I sat down and broke every single one of them. I stood stunned. I stared at the perfect illustration of my sad heart, so frail and broken.

My parents divorced, my chocolate hearts broken.

I held back the tears that day not wanting my classmates to laugh at my over-reaction to such an insignificant event.

Quietly, broken piece by broken piece, I scooped them up in my hand and put them in my lunchbox hoping no one dare ask me what had happened to my hearts.

Mrs. Hayes, my fourth grade teacher, seemed to know that I needed a hug as she gave me a big squeeze as I trailed behind all of my friends out to the playground for recess. That small gesture was a bright spot in my broken-heart day.

Oklahoma divorce rates rank fourth-highest in the nation. As Tulsa County divorce rates are seen near the top of Oklahoma divorce rates, we know that broken hearts live among us. Classrooms are filled with teachers trying to manage and care for children who feel unorganized, unlovable and disillusioned.

Let’s remember to send special Valentine messages to our children’s teachers this year. Teachers are the heroes who bring love to children by taking a blended classroom and creating blended love.

Let’s also push for curriculum in our schools to help all of these broken hearts to mend. Teachers need support as they help patch together children who are hurting, angry and heart-broken. Organizing a child who lives in two places can be an incredible challenge, not to mention the attention to details that can be missed. Our teachers need tools to equip them to handle schedules, behaviors and risk-factors.

Teachers are the hug that starts the day and the consistency that keeps a child feeling secure through predictability. Lesson plans have merged with life lessons, and our teachers continue to step up to the challenge.

Thank you, Mrs. Hayes. Your dedication to making your students feel loved has left this adult child of divorce with a heart message that reads, “I am lovable and capable.”

Where is daddy?

"My daddy went to Oakland," wailed six-year-old Roger. "Where is Oakland?" he asked me, not knowing it was close by. "Is Oakland in Mexico?" Since at age six or seven children have no concept of geography, space, and distance, their thinking is bounded by the neighborhood they know. But their sorrow has no bounds.

Excerpt from What About The Kids? by Judith Wallerstein.

Underwater

Poem written by a young girl of divorce and abuse.
Children of divorce are 50% more likely to be abused than children with two parent homes.

Underwater

darkness falls again tonight
the wakes come crashing down
does anyone know my world in this town

i long to see the sunlight
the calmness I pray to see
all I ever wanted was to believe

talking underwater
drowning to get it out
my whispers, my muted shouts

i rise above the white-caps
trying to get to the other side
i am talking underwater

holding on to the seas hard rock
beating me black and blue
does anyone know what i am going through

i wait and ride the storm
the stillness smooth as glass
damages, miles of floating trash

i'll let go, but never forget
the deep, cold water far below
my whispers, muted shouts

talking underwater