Broken Chocolate Hearts

Traditionally when we think of Valentine’s Day, we visualize love all around – especially in our schools. Can we ever forget all the boxes we decorated to hold our special treasures and kind words from our peers?

Several years after my parents divorced, a boy sweetly put chocolate hearts in my chair when I was in elementary school. Being oblivious to the gift, I sat down and broke every single one of them. I stood stunned. I stared at the perfect illustration of my sad heart, so frail and broken.

My parents divorced, my chocolate hearts broken.

I held back the tears that day not wanting my classmates to laugh at my over-reaction to such an insignificant event.

Quietly, broken piece by broken piece, I scooped them up in my hand and put them in my lunchbox hoping no one dare ask me what had happened to my hearts.

Mrs. Hayes, my fourth grade teacher, seemed to know that I needed a hug as she gave me a big squeeze as I trailed behind all of my friends out to the playground for recess. That small gesture was a bright spot in my broken-heart day.

Oklahoma divorce rates rank fourth-highest in the nation. As Tulsa County divorce rates are seen near the top of Oklahoma divorce rates, we know that broken hearts live among us. Classrooms are filled with teachers trying to manage and care for children who feel unorganized, unlovable and disillusioned.

Let’s remember to send special Valentine messages to our children’s teachers this year. Teachers are the heroes who bring love to children by taking a blended classroom and creating blended love.

Let’s also push for curriculum in our schools to help all of these broken hearts to mend. Teachers need support as they help patch together children who are hurting, angry and heart-broken. Organizing a child who lives in two places can be an incredible challenge, not to mention the attention to details that can be missed. Our teachers need tools to equip them to handle schedules, behaviors and risk-factors.

Teachers are the hug that starts the day and the consistency that keeps a child feeling secure through predictability. Lesson plans have merged with life lessons, and our teachers continue to step up to the challenge.

Thank you, Mrs. Hayes. Your dedication to making your students feel loved has left this adult child of divorce with a heart message that reads, “I am lovable and capable.”

Where is daddy?

"My daddy went to Oakland," wailed six-year-old Roger. "Where is Oakland?" he asked me, not knowing it was close by. "Is Oakland in Mexico?" Since at age six or seven children have no concept of geography, space, and distance, their thinking is bounded by the neighborhood they know. But their sorrow has no bounds.

Excerpt from What About The Kids? by Judith Wallerstein.

Underwater

Poem written by a young girl of divorce and abuse.
Children of divorce are 50% more likely to be abused than children with two parent homes.

Underwater

darkness falls again tonight
the wakes come crashing down
does anyone know my world in this town

i long to see the sunlight
the calmness I pray to see
all I ever wanted was to believe

talking underwater
drowning to get it out
my whispers, my muted shouts

i rise above the white-caps
trying to get to the other side
i am talking underwater

holding on to the seas hard rock
beating me black and blue
does anyone know what i am going through

i wait and ride the storm
the stillness smooth as glass
damages, miles of floating trash

i'll let go, but never forget
the deep, cold water far below
my whispers, muted shouts

talking underwater

I Can't Share...

When I was asked to contribute to the The Child of Divorce blog, I began to worry. I began to worry about my parents, about sharing too much. I worried about how exposing my vulnerability will be seen, by some, as exposing weakness. The child of divorce I once was even worried that I would be seen as unfit, unworthy, to become Mrs. America, because of the conflict I witnessed and the pain I had been through as a teen. I realized that the children of divorce we strive to help can relate to that too. They worry about being labeled. Being lovable. Being normal. One ex-boyfriend's mom once said to me, "Sasha, you are just the picture of resiliency!" I realized that sharing, and soon following that sharing with real techniques on how to cope in a healthy way and feel better, was the best thing I could do for these kids.

I'll include my mom in the process too. I want to be certain to honor my parents, while being honest about what the divorce was like for me, and what it was like for my two younger sisters. I have no idea what it is like to be a divorcing parent. I can only speak about my experiences as a child of divorce. I called my sister Jade this morning and she had one experience that stood out to her. It was Easter Sunday. I'll share it with you too.

I hope my contribution will give others the courage to speak.

Invitation

I have invited some of my adult friends that were once children of divorce to help me blog on this site.
My hope is that through our stories and experiences we will be able to speak up for those children who are living it now.
We can bring a sense of camaraderie with each other that only those of us who have experienced it can relate.
Thank you, friends, in advance, for sharing your stories with all of us!

Insecurity

"Last time my parents fought, they were fighting about who would spend the weekend at home with me. Neither one of them wanted to! That's when I felt insecure," said Kelly, a fifteen-year-old boy from New York. During a fight between parents, kids occasionally feel insecure, almost always because they worry about what will happen to them (which they shouldn't worry about anyway). Cindy, a nine-year-old girl, said, "When they fight, I feel like they're forgetting all about me. What if they both just left?"

An excerpt from "The Kids' Book of Divorce, By, For & About Kids"

Where is the turkey?

"This was my dad's first year to make the dinner without mom. We had some leftover ham from my grandma's house and some potato chips. I got as many cokes as I wanted. I really wanted my mom and a good meal, but this is what divorce looks like I guess." Tamara, 15 years old