5-to-8-yr old children of divorce often think families come with mommies, daddies, doggies, kids. They wonder, "Will daddy get a new mommy? A new doggy? A new little boy?" Are people replaceable? When one parent leaves, they fear the other could leave as well. They know that mom and dad don't control the world, but that leaves them particularly vulnerable. If mom and dad can't hold it together, they wonder, "Who will take care of me?"
The result: misplaced anger, preoccupation with homelife (which makes it difficult to concentrate at school), regression, and physical manifestations of anxiety, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, and hair-pulling.
Parents can help: Let them know that you're in control, that things will get back to normal soon, and mommy & daddy will still be there for them (if that is true). Children need to know that the adults in their lives are competent, caring, and prepared to keep them on track.
Children this age particularly need to see evidence: They worry about the noncustodial parent. Show the child your new apartment or home, and show the child that you are reasonably comfortable. Teach them explicitly that families come in different shapes and sizes, because they are so young that they really don't know unless you tell them.
They also need your guidance and permission to focus on being a kid. Let your child know that his job is to study, socialize, and play...and that the adults will take care of things at home, so they don't have to worry about it. With your permission, your child will happily focus on being a kid.
Sources: (1) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski; (2) What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein; (3) Developmental Psychology (with InfoTrac) : Childhood and Adolescence, by David R. Shaffer.
